Research notes
You left the conversation sure it went badly. It probably didn't
On the way home you replay every line. Was that weird? Were they bored? Psychologists call this the liking gap: after a first conversation, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them. It's a real pattern, and there are things it can't answer for you.
Sources checked November 6, 2026
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The liking gap research in three points
What they did
What they found
What it can't tell us
Overthinking after a conversation has a name
It's called the liking gap. Boothby and colleagues described it in Psychological Science in 2018 after finding it among strangers in a lab, among dorm mates and among workshop members. It held across conversations of different lengths, and among the dorm mates it lasted for several months.
So if you feel awkward after talking to someone, you aren't unusually fragile. Why you feel that way is still open, but feeling that way is common.
How big is the liking gap? About half a point
In October 2025, Sprecher pulled together 12 studies and 1,835 participants in The Journal of Social Psychology. They all came from one Midwestern US university; 83% were women and the average age was 19.82. After a first conversation with a stranger, each person reported how much they liked their partner and how much they thought their partner liked them.
On a 7-point scale, people felt liked at 4.71 and rated their own liking of the partner at 5.26 (d=.70). The partner's actual liking of them was also 5.26 (d=.42). Sprecher points out that the difference is "only ½ point on a 7-point scale." For both gaps the most common response was still a negative bias, and it was robust across video and in-person conversations, and across small talk and closeness exercises.
The gentlest line in the paper is also the most useful. A liking gap "may be the norm and not problematic unless it is large." The part of you that keeps replaying the evening is probably just ordinary.
Two gaps, and they aren't the same thing
The same year, Tissera and colleagues published a study of 2,753 people in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that splits this apart.
They separate an actual gap (what you think they feel compared with what they report) from a perceived gap (how much you think they like you compared with how much you like them). The two are psychologically distinct.
A larger negative perceived gap went with lower self-esteem, higher social anxiety and higher neuroticism. The actual gap didn't. Neither gap was reliably tied to how good the interaction was. What was consistently tied to adjustment and interaction quality was feeling liked.
That's correlation, so you can't conclude that feeling liked makes conversations better. It does suggest that your replay on the way home may have less to do with what actually happened than it feels like.
What the liking gap can't explain away
This is the most important section here. The liking gap is an average across a lot of people. It can't translate any one person's reaction for you.
We could be accurate in our perception of not being liked (in which case avoidance may be prudent).
- Short answers, wandering eyes and unanswered messages are information. You aren't overthinking those.
- If someone says no thanks, or doesn't want to swap numbers, that's the answer. "They secretly liked me more than I think" doesn't overturn it.
- These participants were mostly young college students in a lab. Bars, alcohol and other cultures haven't been tested here, so go gently when applying it elsewhere.
The point is narrow. Your rating of yourself may run low. Whether the other person wants to see you again is a separate question.
How to stop overthinking after a conversation
When the replay starts, try telling yourself that your read probably runs a bit lower than reality. It's a common bias, and it isn't a verdict.
If you'd like to see them again, ask once, or send one simple message. If they pick it up, keep going. If they don't, that's where it ends, with no chasing and no trial against yourself.
If fear of blowing it keeps you home, read about how pessimistic we are about strangers. If you get stuck on how to leave, almost no conversation ends when both people want it to, so that isn't just you either.
Next time, start smaller. Pick an event you'd go to anyway and count one longer conversation as a win. If you'd like to meet people at the same bar or event, you can try Limere too. And if you get home sure it went badly, that night won't be your last.
The liking gap: questions
What is the liking gap?
It's the tendency to think a new conversation partner likes you less than they do. Boothby and colleagues named it in 2018. It's an average tendency, not something that happens to everyone every time.
Why do I feel awkward after talking to someone?
Tissera and colleagues found that a larger perceived gap goes with lower self-esteem and higher social anxiety. That's a correlation, and it doesn't mean something's wrong with you.
So do they like me more than I think?
On average, yes, but that can't be applied to any one person. If someone is cool or says no, take them at their word. Sometimes the feeling of not being liked is accurate.
How big is the gap?
In Sprecher's 1,835 participants, people felt liked at 4.71 on a 7-point scale, while their partners' actual liking was 5.26, about half a point. Sprecher suggests it may be the norm unless it's large.
Who was studied?
Sprecher's participants were college students at one US university, with an average age under 20. Results in other places and settings could differ.
Sources
- Tissera, Elsaadawy, Cooney, Human & Carlson (2025). Evaluating the psychological and social nature of actual and perceived liking gaps. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(4), 967-982.
- Sprecher (2025). Liking gap(s) in getting-acquainted interactions. The Journal of Social Psychology.
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think? Psychological Science, 29(11).
That night won't be your last
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