You expect strangers to be colder than they are. Knowing that doesn't fix it

It starts with a dropped wallet

The 2025 World Happiness Report has a chapter on kindness, and one comparison in it is hard to forget. Researchers dropped wallets in Toronto, then compared what happened with what Toronto residents said they expected.

The expected rate of return was 23% and the actual return was over 80%.

It wasn't a one-off. In a 40-country study, the actual return was 1.8 times what people expected. Separately, two-thirds of 200 wallets dropped in 20 North American cities came back. The report's conclusion is that people are "far too pessimistic about the benevolence of others."

One caution before we go any further: a wallet isn't a chat. Someone who hands in your wallet may have no interest in talking to you on the train. Wallets measure kindness and not conversation, so for this we need research on actual conversations.

Why talking to strangers is so hard: six overblown fears

Sandstrom and Boothby's 2021 review pulled together 7 studies and 2,304 people. It asked what people feared before talking to a stranger, then how it actually felt afterward. The gaps are large.

The authors say all of these fears were "vastly overblown," and they class every one of these gaps as a large effect.

Other studies point the same way. Epley and Schroeder found in 2014 that commuters who talked to the person next to them had a more positive trip, while people predicted the opposite. Schroeder and colleagues found in 2022 that people dreaded starting more than the conversation itself, mostly because they expected the other person to be uninterested.

So why doesn't knowing help?

Now you know you're too pessimistic. Feel better? You may not, and the research agrees.

In two studies, Sandstrom and Boothby gave some people conversation tips to see if the fears would shrink. People with tips did expect themselves and their partner to enjoy the conversation a bit more, but the effect was small (d=.16 and d=.20). No other fear changed, and how the conversation felt afterward was the same. The authors' own verdict: "not very successful."

They wonder whether the tips made people think about their own inability. That's a guess, and they say as much.

What moved things more was having a conversation. In the same review, people who'd just had a pleasant chat with one stranger made rosier predictions about the next.

A 2022 study by Sandstrom, Boothby and Cooney built this into a week-long scavenger hunt that involved repeatedly finding, approaching and talking to strangers. Compared with controls, players were less pessimistic about rejection and more optimistic about their ability, and the change lasted at least a week after the study ended. Their daily reports show expectations getting more positive and more accurate by the day.

That abstract also says, bluntly: "Previous research has attempted but failed to get people to realize that their concerns about talking to strangers are overblown." Being told isn't enough.

What this research can't tell us

• A wallet isn't a chat. It's worth saying twice.
• These are averages. Some conversations really do go badly.
• Most of the conversation studies come from arranged settings like labs and commutes, not a bar at midnight.
• The scavenger hunt only followed people for about a week after it ended. We don't know what happens later.

And the most important one: starting a conversation, and being on the receiving end of one, costs people different amounts. For some people, being wary of strangers makes complete sense, so this page isn't going to tell you to drop your guard. We've written about what the person being approached is weighing. Leaving when you want to is always fine.

One try this week

Reading doesn't do much, so this part is short. Next time you go out, try it once.

• Go somewhere you'd already go, so the trip is worth it even if nothing happens.
• Set a tiny goal: one sentence, or one question. That counts as done.
• Afterward, note what you expected and what actually happened. That comparison is what made people's expectations more accurate in the research.
• If they don't pick it up, let it go. That isn't failing. Try again another time.

Not sure what to say? Read how to start a conversation at a bar or event. Got home convinced you blew it? It probably went better than you think. Just want to be around people for now? That counts too.

If you'd like to try with people at the same bar or event, Limere can be a place to start. Pick a night you were going out anyway.